If  Hulk and I were gnomes. 

The number of years since I last wrote a blog entry and since I married Hulk.

Just a few months ago, on our second anniversary, Hulk and I moved into a brand new house. It’s double the size of our previous house, closer to my work and gives us enough room to finally host my whole family. 

I absolutely love it.

We quickly started to fill the rooms with furniture, knickknacks, and photos – you know, the things that make a house a home.

However, there is one room that remains vacant. A room that remains untouched except for the occasional vacuum. It’s the room my husband calls the future nursery. I call it the empty room.

Today, two years later, we are still two.

We knew starting a family would be hard as I have a condition that is known to cause problems. What we didn’t know was that we would face much bigger obstacles, ones that baffle doctors and that make the chances of us conceiving on our own slim to none.

So here we are, just two, but with months of testing and waiting ahead of us, or the prospect of having to pay a truck load of money for IVF for a chance to be three. A chance, not a guarantee.

A friend recently asked me if I was sure I wanted children as we watched her own flail around wildly, as children sometimes do. A harmless comment from a sometimes frustrated mom is like a sucker punch to my gut. But my answer is always yes. I want the opportunity to have what others have, what is natural and effortless to so many. I’ll take the yelling and time outs over the heartbreak and pain I’ve felt in the last two years any day of the week.

Although it has been a struggle with lots of frustration, tears and me eating my feelings to the point where I am back at “before” weight, the most important thing is that I haven’t lost Hulk. We are still two, a couple and partners for life.

I can see how this whole process can destroy a marriage, and how easy it would be to give up, both on the idea of a family and the relationship, but I am in no way willing to do that.

I’ll keep dreaming and hoping for three.

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