I’d like to think that I have a thick skin, and I don’t just mean the extra layer that currently keeps me warm.
Criticism used bounce right off of me, especially when it came to writing pieces at work. I knew that every single piece I submit for editing will come back to me marked up in red (or in my case hot pink) ink and I was comfortable with that. There is always room for improvement and I have a completely different voice than my manager and the people who work in this environment. That’s life.
But I find that my skin is paper thin of late. I recently started searching for a more permanent position (I’m on contract) but have yet to receive a call for an interview, my suggestions for strategies and tactics are met with reluctance, fear or disapproval, and the simplest of supportive comments directed my way seem to make me tear up.
What the deuce has happened to me?
And no, I’m not knocked up.
The actions I used to slough off and not take personally are now affecting me deeply. They impact my actions and reactions and have sort of held me hostage. They even affect everyone around me. I feel like I’m in a holding pattern and can’t move forward, stuck in this strange waiting room or purgatory (hello, religious references!) The not knowing, the feeling inferior, my inability to grow, thrive and succeed is making me shrink, become meek and I feel like I’m dying a bit inside.
This is not a life.
For someone who has wavering self-confidence at the best of times, this is not the greatest situation to be facing. To be stuck with a cloud of unknown hanging over my head is totally the suck. But I’ve let the suck become what I am, or at least that’s what I think I am. But I have to remember that I’m not.
Despite what happens at a job, it’s just a job. Yes, it pays the bills, it’s where I spend the greatest amount of time and I do derive a great deal of joy from producing great work, but it’s not the be all and end all. It’s not my career job. It’s not where I want to be forever and ever, amen.
I can’t let this ruin my life.
I have a great life. I have people that love me.
It will unsuck soon enough.