You don’t know what you want ‘til it’s (almost) gone

The munchkins in my life are my world, which is pretty obvious to anyone around me.

You only have to look at the pictures on Facebook, steal my Blackberry or look at my desk at work and you’ll see the adorable little faces of my nieces and nephew staring back at you. They make my world a better place for sure and I can’t imagine a day of my life without them.

My minions in their matching threadless "let's get physical" tshirtsI love every moment of being an aunt and enjoy spoiling them (when I’m allowed), perhaps even purchasing the girls matching Threadless shirts so they can be just like their “Aunt Mouse,” calling them my minions, having them complete evil deeds for me and then promptly handing them back to their parents. Sadly, the time that I’m given to do that has been less and less over the last little while as family dynamics have changed in the last year.

But a lot has changed in the last year and I’ve changed a lot in the last year. I’ve also found out a lot about myself in that time, things I didn’t realize before, and my priorities have shifted.

Thanks to my tireless quest to fix my broken brain and other parts of my body, I visit my doctor quite regularly. Sadly, this also means I’m a guinea pig for various medications. When trying one thing, we discovered another problem that gave yet another doctor cause for concern and off I go for a bunch of tests I didn’t even know I needed.

And suddenly things change.

A year ago if you had asked me if I wanted children, I would have told you no without batting an eyelash. Today, if you ask me again my answer has changed. Ask me if I can have them, though, and that answer isn’t as easy.

All of this craziness has told me that I have polycystic ovaries, a common occurrence among women that causes infertility. Although my symptoms don’t appear to be as severe as they could be and I shouldn’t worry “for now,” but I should follow a stricter diet (the doctor suggested to resume a paleo diet) as it is associated with insulin resistance/diabetes, which will make it harder to have children.

Much like a diet or any restrictive behaviour, you want something so badly when you can’t have it or you’re told “you can’t.” From the moment the doctor told me this was a possibility a few months ago until he confirmed it, my formerly dormant biological clock has been ringing non-stop. I am now like Tick-Tock the frickin Crocodile.

I know things could be much worse for me and I’m very fortunate that the outlook is at least hopeful in terms of having children one day when we decide we are ready, but I am shocked at the prevalence of the disorder among women today, the process that they have to go through and the expense of medication and treatments to conceive a child when you are not able.

So now all of my priorities shift If I want to plan for little people of my own, it means careful planning when it comes to food and exercise. It means putting myself first and really meaning it or not being able to realize that goal in the end (or making it really difficult for myself).

I know this isn’t a horrible thing and there are a lot of great and uplifting stories of women with PCOS who have beautiful families. One day I hope to be one of them. Until then, I’ll do everything in my power to be healthy and happy to ensure that happens.


Heather said...

I have it as well but am one of the lucky families to have a child - so as you know, it is possible! I saw an Endocronologist who recommended I start taking Metformin, a drug to treat diabetes (which I don’t have). It helped me ovulate and I was able to have a healthy baby girl!

Jen said...

Aw Mouse...this post made me tear up...

I can fully understand this post (well mostly) - I had multiple ovarian problems as a teenager and in my early 20's - including one miscarriage when we first got married many moons ago.

I just chalked it up to "if it's meant to be..." - which became more and more stressful as I started to feel "ready".

When we started trying it just became even more stressful - on the 3rd month I decided to go back to my "If it's meant to be" mindset - and well, as you have seen by those chubby cheeks gracing my facebook constantly, you know where we are now!!

I hope that you are able to achieve what you want - whether that's bouncing babies of your own or a house full of adorable nieces and nephews.

I can't wait to read your next success story :)

Christy said...

I have heard of wonderful success stories of pregnancies with PCOS, so I am wishing you the best of luck with your journey.

sunshine! said...

That's a tough dose to swallow, Mouse and I was sad to read this. Don't give up hope....focus on making yourself the best you can be health-wise and the rest will hopefully fall into place.


perfume sample said...

Good health is more precious than wealth . If you have good health than you can use your wealth so your effort is good which is helpful for others . We always appreciate such work keep it up dear .....

cinemarie said...

I'm going to send positive vibes your way. I think it's really cool that you want to be a mom :) You'll be an awesome mother, with cute little mice running around :)

Angie All The Way said...

I firmly believe that there is a reason I have crossed paths with a very specific group of ladies on the WW boards all those years ago. We all came from a place of obesity and not-coincidentally, there is more than a few of us who have PCOS. There is a strong link with PCOS and obesity and I have no doubt it has a connection with why I have it even though it wasn't diagnosed until after I lost the weight. I first went to the doctor after not having a period for 8 straight months. Tests and ultrasounds confirmed that it was, in fact, PCOS. My brain immediately resorted to the reality of the challenges with infertility. My doctor talked about the connection with diabetes and insulin resistance and that metformin has shown to be effective in some cases. At the time, we left well alone and didn't start taking anything because my period returned in between having the internal ultrasound and getting the results, albeit very irregular. I considered my other symptoms on the minor side, the worst being cystic acne. Despite my disappointment hearing the news, my doctor never once let me feel like it would be an issue - not "yet." She said, "look, it's not that having PCOS prevents you from becoming pregnant, it just makes it harder to predict when you ovulate." Mmmhmmmm, yeah I thought rolling my eyes inside. I've heard many stories of women who struggled and struggled and I knew that road wouldn't be a pleasant one. I wasn't yet actively trying to have a baby, so I tried to put it out of my head but accepted that it might be a problem. Because we weren't actively trying at the time, I didn't let it stress me out. Then, as you know, along came Cameron. He was a "surprise" (in the sense that, well, in all honesty, it happened during a time when there wasn't a whole lot of bedroom shinanigans going on for whatever reason - TMI). And as you also know, it wasn't even on my radar and I thought I had an ULCER and was nearly 9 weeks before coming to realize he was on his way. That's what irregular periods & the idea of infertility do to ya - denial ;-) I'm tell you this now, not to make you feel like you don't have a reason to feel the way you do, because you DO, but just to hopefully show you that girl, if it happened for me, it can happen for you too. I know the realities of biological clocks are real and I hope you take this as encouragement in some way. I do completely understand how you are feeling. xo

Jen Nifer said...

I have PCOS as well. It took me almost a year to go to the doctor about it... Because I knew I had it. When we decided to try to get pregnant I decided to go on Metformin. Boom. 3 months (& a pre-Thanksgiving dinner quickie) later and I found out I was pregnant! Don't be discouraged in the least!!

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