7/9/12

Words that begin with the letter C

Cancer sucks.

I could write a lot of other colourful words and sentiments, but given that I work for a Christian organization and I like paying my bills, I think that statement will suffice for now.

In April, my father lost one of his sisters, Barbara, to cancer. She had only been diagnosed a couple of months before and it quickly took over her body. She was 63.

Her last wish was to have a family reunion with her three daughters, her five brothers, four sisters, their 11 children, grandchildren, cousins, and friends. It was a gathering she had been talking about for YEARS and we had only been able to come close to once, at my brother Stephen’s wedding in 2001.

She died a couple of weeks short of seeing her dream come true but we did hold it in her honour a few weeks ago on a very rainy Sunday afternoon, gathered under an arrangement of tarps and tents. It’s so funny to see yourself in the faces of others. To watch as their eyes become so wide in recognition and amazement of how much you’ve grown, changed but still look the same. And yet feel that teeny bit of sadness at how out of touch you are despite being family.

And then there are the plethora of images that inevitably emerge from these gatherings. Moments that everyone wants to capture forever as who knows when we’ll be gathered all together like this again. I love these pictures for the sole purpose of finding ones of my nieces. They are growing up so fast and I get so see them so infrequently now as they only spend every other weekend with my brother.

My adorable niece and my rolls of fatSo I find this image of little E and think back to that day as we had also presented my mother with a new digital camera for her birthday. I was teaching her to zoom in and out as she is prone to just take a picture as she sees it in the viewfinder and not care about cropping it and framing it right in the lens.

Apparently neither does my aunt as in this adorable snap that she took of my niece she also managed to include the overflowing chub that is currently my gut as well as part of my mom’s cute little face.

Well, that midsection is not something I needed to see and exactly what I needed to see, and I saw it in several images. I know I’m way heavier than I need to be. I know I bulge out of clothes. I know that although I’m only a size 12 right now that’s a far cry from where I was just two years ago and that picture clearly illustrates EVERYTHING that I wrote about last week.

I really am back at square one. And I’m afraid my scale will tell me just that if I were to step on it today.

So that means I have to make a lot of changes. And that started today.

I’m back to tracking and back to the gym. And I’m trying to find the courage to step on my scale. I don’t know that I’ll do it today or tomorrow, but I’ll get there. I have to.

I’ve made change before and I’m doing it again. I know I’ve been a broken record on here before, but this time the skipping stops.

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

1 comment:

Leanne said...

XO

Go you and all that rah rah stuff.

Cancer does suck.

You know I am with you.

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