Despite the titillating title, this isn’t the dirty post I’m sure people are hoping for. Especially since family members read this from time to time (Hi Dad!).
Once upon a time, I started writing here to empty my brain and find people with whom I could relate. People in my life weren’t experiencing the same issues/triumphs/pitfalls that I was at the time and I needed to find a sounding board of sorts to confirm that I was “o.k.” and get advice and support.
But I never realized at the time just how many people in my life would peek into this world without me ever pimping it out. Yes, my little blog received a bit of press locally and then there was that little success story that alluded to my online hangout, but the possibility that it would be accessible to coworkers, family members, friends and strangers alike by entering a few details in a Google search never entered my mind.
Stupid, I know.
So the thoughts/feelings/information that I was sharing to what I thought was a targeted audience became even wider than I had even imagined. And when I think about it now, it makes me want to shut down at times and is part of the reason I’ve grown so silent over the last couple of years.
I lead a pretty open digital life because transparency is so key in what I do. This leaves me open to criticism that is both in my face and behind my back. I’d like to think that I have developed a pretty thick skin over the years as items that I produce on a daily basis are open to scrutiny multiple times before they’re acceptable.
But there are times where it makes me feel as though I’m standing in the street naked.
I find it hard to maintain friendships with others at the best of times, so when someone knows so much more about me without ever asking me a question or having a conversation with me, it makes me uncomfortable. Why? Because I feel like I am nothing but honest in this realm and I put it out there without apologies. I strive to do this in my day-to-day interactions as well, but the difference is that I can see someone’s response to what I’ve said, hear the tone of their voice change and notice both negative and positive reactions to my words and actions right away.
You don’t get that on here.
Sure, you get comments, links and even posts in response to something that you’ve said, but at times, there are people who lurk, never sharing their response.
And that’s what scares me.
I’ve had people I was only just getting to know tell me they read the drivel I share here after thanks to a search engine or that they follow me on several online outlets but are too afraid to comment. There are times that it leads to amazing conversations, and for that I am grateful, but then there are some who leave subtle hints that they’ve read an item I’ve shared, ask questions directly related to something that we’ve never talked about before. And as soon as they express that, I feel completely and utterly naked.
I know you’re probably thinking that I’m doing an awful lot of whining here about something that is completely within my control. If I’m so worried I just need to shut this whole thing down and retreat back to the shadows. But I don’t want to and you can’t make me.
I’m all about communication and conversation.
So, instead of YOU hiding in the shadows, come out and
get naked with me talk to me.
Am I the only one that feels this way? Do you find you censor yourself at times because of the unknown reader? Is it easier for you to stomach that strangers are reading vs. loved ones? Do you think I’m paranoid? Do you think that I shouldn’t have worn that orange tank top last night? Share with the class.