Compete Against Yourself

 

 

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A Glimpse at the Past...

Although I may have said I'd take pics of my food to post today, and I did start to, my coworker gave me the weirdest look when I started snapping away at my hardboiled eggs and applesauce yesterday morning, made an odd comment and I quickly stopped. It made me think about all of the things I've stopped doing in the past for fear of not being accepted. Not being liked. Not being NORMAL.

Is that why I choose to lose weight?

Do I need to?

Yes and no.

Sure, somewhere inside of me vanity always plays a role in motivating me to achieve my weight loss goals. I'd be lying if I said it 100 per cent DID NOT. But my health has always been my priority. It's what started me down this path. The migraines got me to the doctor at the beginning, the high blood pressure and cholesterol got me on a weight loss and exercise plan, and the stupid frackin' asthma keeps me trying to maintain some semblance of a healthy weight because it becomes increasingly harder to breathe as the pounds go up.

But I caught a glimpse of that girl in the mirror the other day.

I decided to dig out my gym card from the recesses of my wallet and actually grace it with my presence on the weekend. Work and life in general had prevented me from going since February.

So as I was standing there doing some free weight work in front of a mirror in the quietest spot I can find in my busy gym, I started over analyzing my body, as I'm prone to do with reflective surfaces (which is why I do NOT own a mirror besides the small bathroom mirror that came with my apartment).

And it hit me:

• The gap between my thighs is coming back. Granted, it was never a huge gap (this is where you make jokes about me being loose, that I should close my legs, etc. Hopefully Jainey tells the story about when Santa told me to close my legs. That was a gem!), but it's noticeable to me.
• I'm starting to get that sinewy look back in my upper body. This is where I lose all of my weight first and my chip bowls become even more pronounced and my arms become more defined. 
• With that, the fly-away skin comes back under my arms. Fun times, I tell you.
• My face is much thinner and my dimples are deeper.
• I. Have. A. Waist. Again.

I stood there for awhile looking at myself (well, until I became aware that other people saw me staring at myself and that whole cycle of me worrying about how other people see me started again...), and it got me thinking about EVERYTHING that I've gone through in the last year to date. Because this time last year, my contract had just ended and I was sitting at home looking for work. I was going on countless interviews and being told I was second best. I was trying my best to be brave, keep exercising and eating right but nothing was working as my body just clung to everything for all it was worth. And now, despite all of the stress life is throwing at me and the unsettled feelings that foods are bringing me, things are pretty fantastic. I have so much to be thankful for. And things are looking good.

It's staring back at me as plain as day and I can't deny that. 

GBU – Living Without a Carb Edition

Good – Mystery stomach pains have disappeared. Take that, all who rolled their eyes at me and said, “this one thinks she suddenly has a gluten problem!”
Bad – All I want is sugar. BADLY.
Ugly – I may have stood a little too long pressed up against the ice cream freezer at an unnamed grocery store last night. Security may or may not have helped me move along.

 

Good – Even though I said Paleo, I’m still eating taters and corn. My mother would probably disown me if I gave that stuff up. So you all can rest easy knowing that I haven’t gone off the deep end and am not doing this for vanity’s sake.
Bad – I may have gone off another deep end and tried mashed cauliflower though. Whoever in their right mind said THAT was a replacement for mashed potatoes was smoking some FANTASTIC crack.
Ugly – Have you SEEN mashed cauliflower?! I spared you the image of what I ended up with. You’re welcome.

Good – Helloooooooooooo, Nurse!
Bad – Is it wrong that vanity reared its ugly head here for a split second where I suddenly thought there should be a larger loss than 1.8lbs? Yeah. We quickly recovered from that. Have no fear.
Ugly – That frackin’ vanity. She’s a nasty bitch.

 

Good – This weekend is the Sporting Life 10km! Our clinic’s goal race! Jainey runs down Yonge St. with a camera! He might actually blog! O.M.G!
Bad – Uh. How do I carb load without pasta? (I know carbs naturally occur in other things, like broccoli. I’m just being obtuse.  YOU MADE ME RUIN MY FUNNY)
Ugly – See above. Hmmph.

 

Good – Eating the perimeter of your store. GET ON THAT SHIZNIT, PEOPLE!
Bad – I may have taken to eating fruit daily. More than the apple I was forcing myself to eat daily.
Ugly – I may or may not be the mouse you once knew. Pray for me.

Paleo Pancakes. Nom. Nom. Nom.

My apres Sunday run staple has always been pancakes, which I always make from scratch.

Eliminating flour makes this a little tough to do.

Thanks to my bff Google, we’ve discovered that almond flour is a great replacement for those following a Paleo diet (which is what I’m trying these two weeks if you missed Monday). Although you should be able to find it at your health food stores and sometimes even your regular grocery stores, I couldn’t find it at Whole Foods or my regular stores, but did find it a bulk candy store that does sell some dry goods. Go fig, eh?

So Google and I came up with the settled on the following recipe (although we were tempted my several others) and started to work.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup almond flour
• 2 eggs
• 1/4 cup water
• 2 TBSP oil (I only have Olive Oil)
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 TBSP sweetener (I used Honey)

There should be a picture of the ingredients, but I got too excited that I just started cooking. Um. Whoopsie.

So this is what you get instead. Mmmmm. Pancakes.

Now, compared to other recipes for pancakes, there’s no baking powder in these bad boys, so you’re not going to see a lot of the bubbling that comes with regular ol’ pancakes. This makes them harder to gauge in terms of readiness, a lot less firm for flipping, but in the end it’s all worth it as their consistency is A LOT like cornbread.

I am so screwed. Cornbread is my weakness.

But they were honestly awesome.

The recipe is supposed to give you six pancakes but I managed to get a few more out of it as I make them very small so then I can save half of the batch for another day.

And then, as you can see, I microwaved a cup of frozen berries to make it seem like I’m having a lot more food, without any more guilt.

Yeah. I know. I ate fruit. Look what this experiment is doing to me!!!!

But I’d recommend this recipe to anyone. Simple, easy, and very, VERY yummy.

This Used to be My Playground

Growing up with three brothers made me a bit of a tomboy. Despite the odd dress, the cute lil voice of mine and heels at work everyday, you can still see it in me as I can be a little rough around the edges in terms of attitude and I also curse like a trucker (but that may be more of a by-product of growing up in a trucking family…and probably the rebellion against Catholicism).

But I always HAD to be where my brothers were, from quitting Girl Guides for Scouts and Irish dancing for t-ball.

The latter helped me out later in life as I got called on often to fill the estrogen quota on teams and it was a great social thing. It also allowed me to hang out with everyone’s favourite jainey.

But for the last few years I’ve shelved playing ball. Full stop.

Until this year.

One of jainey’s friends asked me to play on his team. A team I played for once upon a time. So off I toddled to practice a week or so ago.

Man, do I ever suck.

But really, I ALWAYS did.

I’m not a very competitive person. Yes, I like when our team wins a game and I’m not so happy when we lose, but I just like going out and having fun. I do NOT want to be the person who brings the team down. And right now, I feel like *I* could be that person.

Which is odd because I feel really good about myself lately, all motivating and stuff, and then I come to a situation where I feel like I’m the frackin albatross and I’ve got nothing in the tank.

But so what if I throw like a girl? So what if my bat needs some time to wake up? So what if my glove has a giant hole in it for awhile?

Hopefully they’ll understand, bury me behind the plate where I won’t embarrass them too much and let me be the cheerleader that I’m super good at being.

Everyone needs one of those, right?

This is rec ball after all.

If not, I need to find me some pom-poms.

Strange Things Are Afoot…

So you may have noticed last week’s weigh-in missing.

Or you may not care.

Well, I may not care about you either.

Nyah. There. We’re even.

I just didn’t bother to post it, but I will now (just not in picture form). It was 158.8lbs. Today’s is at right. That’s right folks – a whopping .4lb loss – wheeee! But then again, that was after a gain. Blargh.

But you should be happy to note the new spring colour on my toe nails thanks to Sam. Blue, just pour vous :)

I’ve been having weird stomach issues for the past few weeks that lead me to believe that I’ve developed some sort of gluten issue. Really, that’s the only thing that I can think of as I don’t eat a lot of dairy or processed foods, but I’m plagued with the worst stomach cramps known to man after meals.  I’m only having my regular stuff (oats & almond butter or egg with toast for brekkie, brown rice/veggies/meat or pasta/veggies/meat for lunch  & something similar for dinner – TOTAL creature of habit) so that’s all that I can think of. Do any of you have any other ideas?

Because it’s  not crippling pain just an annoying discomfort, I’m going to try something for the next couple of weeks and not be  too concerned about weight loss.  I’m going to severely limit my intake of starches and I’m going to be eating more like a caveman. A by-product of that will probably be weight loss (but if there isn’t, I’m not going to be too concerned), so there may or may not be a weigh-in next week.

I just need to figure out what’s causing me so much pain and slowly reintroduce things. I don’t think it’s severe enough yet to talk to my doctor, so I’m going to try this for a few weeks. If it still bugs me when I go back breads and pastas in a few weeks, I’ll go get checked at my doctor.

Until then, if it didn’t come from the ground or you can’t kill it, I’m not eating it. It’s more of a Paleo Diet than anything crazy like. Although, that in itself is pretty crazy which is why I don’t think I can stay on it too long. I can’t imagine a world without pasta. I teared up just typing that.

This does NOT mean I’m going carb free. I’m half-Irish, for crying out loud, and in all of those whacked out diets you have to cut out ‘taters. Potatoes are a food group unto themselves, in my opinion. I think “Thou must eat potatoes” was the 11th Commandment.

But this is just my opinion. I admire the people who can make it a lifelong change and do well on it. I just don’t think I can.

I just want to get to the root of this discomfort so I’m willing to try it for a spell before harassing my poor ol’ doc.

So here’s hoping I can figure it out on my own.

I Tell It Like It Is…

I remember watching this movie called Only the Lonely as a kid. My mom loved John Candy movies and since the mother in the movie was Irish (like my mom, and her mammy), we HAD to watch it.

The mother in the film, played by Maureen O’Hara, prided herself on “telling it like it is,” which got her in more trouble than did her more good.

It does the same for me.

Some people love me for it, some people hate me for it. Some times I will tell you exactly what I’m thinking, some times I’m passive aggressive (shocking, I know), other times I’ll sit there like a quiet church mouse and reserve comment, afraid to alienate people.

Around work, I’ve had a hard time “finding my voice” in the last six months because of my probation period, but in the last few weeks, I’ve really tried to voice opinions in committee and association meetings, especially when it concerns an area where I have a lot of knowledge like media or technology.

But last night, I was asked for an opinion outside of work, outside of a social setting, but from someone who I consider so sweet and dear and would not want to offend, but I would not want to blow sunshine up their ass either.

So I told it like it is…in the best way possible.

Crafting a message on your feet can be the most difficult thing, and I’m supposed to excel at it (although I feel like a giant failure at the best of times), but it all comes down to honesty, directness and openness.

I told her what I thought, what I thought was the issue, and what I think she could do to improve the situation so that she could get a “yes” to the question she posed to me, maybe not today or tomorrow or in the next few months, but some day.

It wasn’t about crushing a dream, telling her it was impossible or flat out saying no, it was making her realize that she has potential in her. See, it goes back to the other day and those “I can’ts” that I hate so much. It’s  more about seeing the POSITIVE in her and building from there.

It’s like our struggles with weight-loss, weight-gain, food, running, whatever – we struggle, we fall, we have good days and crappy days. We can do it. Take away the negative and see the positive. Don’t make me bust out that hokey crap from the Secret on your ass.

I’m not one to tiptoe through life, but not about to tell people they can’t do anything. And you shouldn’t be telling yourself that either, for crying out loud.

Try and fail. Eventually you’ll succeed. If not, you’ve got great stories to tell, battle scars to prove it and probably make a hell of a lot of friends a long the way.

Tell them I told you so.

The Comments That Write The Post

So the theme for last week has been motivation. I’ve had to talk about it in just about every conversation I’ve had.

I’ve had no issue in the past finding ways to motivate myself, from personal crises to sort of “ah-ha,” pant-splitting moments to overcoming insurmountable challenges (which were apparently surmountable. Who knew?).

But this isn’t for me.

I need to borrow your motivation for others. I need to know how you motivate yourself to get through a weight-loss plateau, how you see yourself up that hill you think you can’t climb, how you  push through the mental block half way through a long run you think you can’t complete and how you make any dream a reality.

It’s what you tell yourself, what you visualize, what you repeat in your head, over and over to turn a can’t attitude into a can do.

Because, frankly, I’m tired of hearing it from people.

So I want to be armed with the best from others, as sometimes my words of wisdom fall flat, short or on deaf ears.

Hit me with your best shot, kiddos.

Don’t motivate me, motivate others, because I know you do it so well, and lots of people need it.

And…GO!

Math is Hard, But So is Life

So that X-weighted challenge that we were all so pumped about in January but I haven’t heard a peep about from anyone since is still going on and is half way through now.

With Monday’s weigh-in, I’m sitting a couple of pounds away from that goal, but knowing my body, it’s going to go up and down a few times before I get there, which is just fine because we have three months for it to figure itself out.

Perfect-o. Rah!

But with the start of that challenge, there were some measurements that had to be taken. There was also a horrible before shot and stupid fitness test that I opted out of (me and rules, you know how I am).

The pictures I did. For the sake of jainey and my dad, I didn’t outright post them here, but you know where to find them if you really want to see them. The measurements I never posted here because I didn’t think I had to, but since I took them again this week, I thought I would today…

	Jan	April
Chest:	39	37
Waist:	33	30
Hips:	43	40

I mean, I know the scale is going down. I can see that. I know that clothes are fitting better and I can even fit into old stuff again. That is obvious. People are making comments about how my butt is shrinking. But sometimes I don’t see it. It’s things like this that smack me in the face and make me realize that I am doing things right.

Weight loss is (to be blunt) a mind f*ck. I will always suffer from body dysmorphia whether I’m 130lbs or 200lbs. It’s sad, but it’s reality. Despite being a healthy size for the past three and a half years, I still see myself as an overweight girl, because that’s what I saw myself as for the majority of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I love myself more and more each day, but I still see others in the world around me and think that I’m much larger than them, that they don’t have the rolls that I do, and that I can’t fit in the clothes that they do.

It’s a struggle, but whose life isn’t, right?

But numbers don’t lie. I’m winning this battle.

Take that, belly fat. And scale. And pants. And mirror.

Do you measure your progress in ways other than on the scale? In what ways and how often?

You Can’t Run on Empty

Every pathetic jogger runner has their own pre-race rituals.

You eat the same meals, you go to bed at a certain time, you have lucky items you have to wear, use, whatever and what have you.

For me, it’s always Tomato Macaroni Soup for dinner the night before, almond butter on a bagel or english muffin the morning of, but I’m pretty flexible in terms of what I’ll wear to run in, but I admit I do have a few favourite shirts.

But for Around the Bay and Harry’s Spring Run Off, I had a few monkey wrenches thrown into the mix in terms of what I could eat before the race.

See, I stayed in Hamilton the night before the race thanks to the generosity of the lovely benefactor who wears amazing shoes, and although there were facilities available to me to cook my own dinner, I didn’t want to cart around food and any dishes for the prep and clean up afterwards as I was traveling on the GO Train. So it was the first time I left my running fate in the hands of a chain restaurant, something I’ll never do again as I ended up with pasta SWIMMING in a disgusting sauce that I actually ended up rinsing out in hot water once I got back to my hotel room.

Money not so well spent and lesson learned, kiddies.

So although Harry’s was in the Tdot and you’d think everything would be just ducky for my pre-race rituals, Canada Running Series goes and throws a curve ball at me by planning the race for a Saturday and not your typical Sunday. And not just any Saturday, my friends. This one was of the holy variety between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, a day where good Catholics abstain from meat.

And where just about every grocery store is closed and an unprepared mouse with no fish in her freezer but lots of chicken and ground beef stands there, smacking herself in the forehead.

Now, before she shouts, “SCREW IT!” and trots on over to Chippy’s or, better yet,  Duckworth’s, for some greasy fish & chips,  she plops herself on the couch to pout fot a bit and finds herself thumbing through the April edition of Runner’s World where she comes across a Pasta Bean Toss that doesn’t include any meat, but is heavy on the lentils, an idea that doesn’t seem so bad because we all know about that crazy need to have protein, starches and veggies in every meal.

Hallelujah!

Luckily, the ingredients were mostly what I had in my fridge and cupboard with the exception of a a couple of cans of beans, which I could get at Rabba (which never seems to close!), so off I went to the store to pick some up and create the monstrosity.

I actually made about half of what the recipe called for, used grape tomatoes instead of plum and one can of mixed beans just for variety (you know me and rules).

It was actually pretty good. I ate it both hot that night and cold for dinner the next night. It was super filling.

I’m generally not a huge fan of beans, chickpeas, lentils, etc., but sucked it up for this as I wanted the protein and something moderately healthy.

I still want the fish and chips, though.

Maybe another day…after a 30km or something :P

RECIPE – from Runner’s World

Pasta Bean Toss
created by Joan Salge Blake, nutrition professor at Boston University.

1 pound whole-grain penne
2 medium red onions, thinly sliced (I omitted)
2 large garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon vegetable oil (I used EVOO)
5 carrots, cut julienne-style
2 cups raw broccoli florets
12 ripe plum tomatoes, diced
3 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
4 tablespoons fresh basil, chopped
1 15-ounce can red kidney beans
1 15-ounce can white kidney beans
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Cook pasta according to package. While pasta cooks, in a large frying pan saute onions and garlic in oil until tender (two minutes). Add remaining vegetables, tomatoes, Worcestershire sauce, and basil. Simmer for four minutes. Add beans and simmer for two minutes or until veggies are tender. Add pasta and cheese, and toss. Serves six. 

A nutritional breakdown for the recipe can be found here, but it’s always best if you do it yourself as you always adapt a recipe for YOUR taste, right? :)

GBU – all-in-one pic edition

Good – Hello, 157.4lbs! You’re a fanfreakintastic number, if I do say so myself. What took you so freakin long? Oh, right! ME and my stupid ways. Maybe all of that stupid running, not taking proper care of yourself, supplements that are meant to replace electrolytes and stuff, ibuprofen and other such junk that general makes people puffy and retain water like a mofo. Right. MY BAD.

Speaking of bad…

Bad – Girl, you are in DESPERATE need of a pedicure! I should really rethink these pictures WITH my feet, but if I don’t put myself in the picture, people are going to start to wonder if I’m doctoring these bad boys or taking them from 2008 and just recycling them. Am I right, or am I right? Yeah…

Ugly – Is it just me or does it look like I have cankles from this angle?

Yeah. Time to step away from the computer before I give myself a complex, methinks.

You Couldn't Pay Me Enough

Well, actually, you never paid me squat to rep your stuff but I'm not bitter ...much.

But seriously, I wouldn't want to OFFICIALLY be a spokesperson for any weight loss company, be it Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, or whatever brand floats your boat today.

Free stuff would have been cool, though. Just sayin'.

So yesterday, Weight Watchers announced that Jennifer Hudson would be the newest face for the brand.

Great, right?

Um, apparently not everyone is so thrilled. Uh, what gives people?

Some people think that having a spokesperson is only a detriment to a program as it can only show the negative to a weight loss program, letting people know that failure is possible in the end when pounds can be packed back on by celeb endorsers who are quickly tossed aside for the newest flavour of the month when they no longer work for the brand.

Where is Sarah Ferguson, by the way?

But why do we think in such negative ways? Why do we put so much pressure on people? On ourselves? Do you really give a flying fig newton what famous(e) person is pimping a weight loss program before you hand over your credit card number?

I mean, I adore Sara Rue but you don't see me forking over my hard earned cashola for JC and you never will. I don't know squat about JHUD to be honest, nor do I really care to know anything. She does nothing for me. I can take her or leave her, really.

But it applies to anything, from shoes to pots and pans. I won't be running out to buy Nike products just because Paula Radcliffe wears it or a pot just because it has Jamie Oliver's name on it and even if I do, I won't blame them if it's a piece of crap. They're not in R&D at the company. They don't make the products. They don't slave over formulas, testing, development, production, marketing, etc., they just show up, shake hands and kiss babies, really. They put a friendly face on these things. They humanize something that can be scary for people.

Well, maybe not the pots & pans, but you get where I'm going with this.

So who gives a fuzzy frog who's the face of a program. Failure is yours and yours alone. As is success.

As for me, I blame my failure on the stress of having to continue to pay for Weight Watchers online two years after reaching goal despite being a Weight Watchers Online Success Story *cough cough*.

:D

I know I'm a jackass. Deal with it :)