If you asked me four years ago (Happy Birthday, little blog!) when I started out here if I ever thought I'd still be here today, I'd say no flipping way. In fact, ask me today if I’ll continue for another year, month or even a week, well… I can’t give you a straight answer.
It's not as if I don't want to write because that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do in life, but there are a lot of times where you get too busy living that *this* becomes secondary. It's not the case of hiding poor eating habits, or making excuses as to why I'm not running or writing posts about the awesome events I go to, new exercises to try or recipes to reinvent because I have boatloads of them and umpteen people in my life who read this silly thing and feel the need to feed me ideas on a consistent basis as they think I'm in some sort of a writing funk as I've gone from daily blogging to a few times a week to every now and again.
I’m good, kids. Honestly.
It’s just that I don’t have a whole whack of time or a whole lot of energy lately.
If you were to see my drafts, you’d see dozens of half written posts that I never have the desire to finish. Notes in my BlackBerry that I never sit down and write out into posts. Pitches from PR companies from my inbox that I turn down because they don’t suit me or my schedule.
The whole thing can be summed up in a conversation I had last week. I had to manage a four day event (that sucked my will to live) and during a quiet moment, I found myself sitting with a volunteer and we ended up discussing my work schedule as well as what I do in my spare time. He was struck by the lack of a work/life balance and asked me point blank, “How do you find time to live? How do you even find time to love?”
Good point, dear sir. And that’s the reason there’s an increasing amount of silence if you really must know.
I get why people want to record every waking moment of their lives from food to feats of feet as I love documenting the lives of my nieces and nephew and record every run compulsively, but sometimes I truly long to be technology free. I want to just live in the moment and not have to worry about taking a picture of my baking progress or getting to the nearest computer and jot every last word down or tweet every last thing. I need to know that my brain, although it is turning to mush with every day that passes thanks to my migraine meds, can hold onto little vignettes like when my niece Erin told me she loved me as I hurriedly looked for enough change to get her and her sister on the subway on Friday or when little Declan gives me that goofy, slobbery grin of his with his little teeth poking through (and then promptly smacks me in the face) or just slogging through a run with Sam and gabbing all the way about everything and nothing. Those little moments in time mean everything to me but they aren’t my blog. My life is entirely separate. This is not dear diary for me and never will be.
Living online has been a huge part of my life and it’s not going anyway any time soon, especially given its importance in the career path that I’ve chosen, but I can choose where and when it fits in my personal life.
I’ve always seen this as a brain dump and a bitch session, both for me and for others who identify with me. Yes, it’s evolving to more running come January when I move to the marathon, but I’m not going to blog about things for the sake of increasing traffic and readership or for flogging a product. That’s not me.
It’s for you and for me and anyone on Google who apparently wants to find out how their coworker has Googled them (I LOVE how that’s my top referrer. Seriously).
So don’t worry about me, don’t think this is good bye, and don’t think that you need to offer me advice.
I’m swell. I’m just out there living. Or possibly on my couch having a snooze.
And I’ll share tons more here when I need to.