3/19/10

Insecurity, Confidence and Cardio?

Lately I’ve been trying to take different routes to work to try and avoid routine and monotony. As soon as that happens, bad habits set in and I am SUNK. On will come the lethargy and out will come the Ben & Jerry’s…Elastic waist pants will soon follow. Mark. My. Words.

Sign on St. Nicholas Lane in Toronto - Wanna Feel Good Naked? So I’ve been passing by this sign in a little laneway, tucked near Bay & Wellesley.

It bugs the shizz out of me.

I’m tempted to grab those pants, a pint of cheesecake brownie and those comfy pants, let me tell you.

This sign does nothing to motivate me into a gym.

Why?

It only reinforces my hatred/embarrassment/shame/whatever of the apron that hangs off of my lower abdomen. I think about all of the time and effort that I’ve put into the gym and running over the last four years, all of the healthy choices I’ve made diet-wise (yes, I know there’s been some bad choices too) and all of the growing up as well as “wising-up” that I’ve done in terms of being healthy and staying healthy.

But will I ever TRULY feel good naked?

I highly doubt it.

It’s taken me time to learn to love bits of my body and its strange proportions. My top will always be smaller than my bottom. My arms will never tone as much as I want them and my legs will always look like tree trunks. But they’re mine and my legs are strong and carry me across finish lines and my arms can lift up my nieces & nephew into giant, squishy bear hugs. But I can’t get over that stupid flap. Can’t. Do. It.

In fact, I had a conversation a few months ago with a former flame about plastic surgery and the dreaded apron came up.

He assumed if I ever had the opportunity to get “work done,” I’d opt for face work, a boob job or something along those lines. He was shocked to find how happy I was with my appearance, how apathetic I am about the size of my breasts, but how focused I am about removing that flap of skin if I ever had the chance.

He knows I’m self conscious about it. It was always an issue. But he never truly understood how deeply it affected me until that very moment.

But don’t get me wrong. I can be a confident woman all I want to be. I feel good all of the freakin’ time. Just fully clothed, thank you very much.

So, I hate to break it to you, stupid gym in a hidden little laneway, you aren’t going to help me much.

Unless you’re providing free abdominoplasty upon registration.

Then I’ll be walking around with your frickin’ board strapped to me.

13 comments:

Lynn @ Life, Health and Fitness said...

Well you're not alone. I can relate 100000000% and as soon as I'm at a good weight I'm going to get it removed. It makes me feel like all my hard works means nothing and that isn't right at all. Marie, we have both worked our asses off and deserve to feel nothing but awesome. xoxo

Amy said...

Maybe you, Lynn and I could convince a surgeon to do a buy 1, get 2 free deal? ;)

Melissa said...

I think if it bothers you that much, maybe look into going ahead and having it taken off?
Maybe that's lame of me to say and I apologize--it was just my first thought. You deserve to feel good about yourself!

marie said...

@melissa - Feel free to loan me the money and I'll run right out and get it.

Fran said...

Hai Marie,

Kimberley from K to the Phoenix directed me to your blog after my question about great weight loss/running blogs. I've read some of your posts and really like them. So I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Maybe one day you'll have time to visit my blog.

Fran

Christy said...

I had to write a whole post on how your entry affected me :) Thank you, you are NOT alone and you are fabulous.

Jessie said...

This issue is near and dear to my heart, as well. I have a flab roll on my lower belly that is a hot ass mess. No amount of work will ever remove it. I want to say also that I recently had breast implants. I have never had "nice" boobs. They were extremely uneven and underdeveloped. It was such a source of embarassment and anxiety that at 30 I decided to just go ahead and have the procedure done. And I can tell you that I want to cry thinking of all of the years I hated my body and lacked confidence because I didn't feel womanly. My only wish is that I would have had the surgery done years, years, years ago. I showed my mother the before pictures and she said she wanted to cry because she never realized I lived with such misshapened boobs and she knew that it must have been hard on me. So anyways, what I'm trying to say is....if you want to have the surgery, look into the cost of it and then start saving your pennies. It's not a million dollars. At the most it's $10,000 and probably less than that. I'm just speaking as someone who had a body issue that has held me back from loving myself for most of my teen/adult life and I had surgery to fix it and I am a different person. Not just because my boobs are bigger, but because I feel like a woman. I want to lose all the weight I need to (another 20-30 pounds) and then reasses a tummy tuck. We only live one time and we should be as happy as we can. Some people are blessed with loving themselves the way they were born. I unfortunately am not one of those people. And people don't understand what it's like to live with a mishappen body, unless they are living with one too. I understand.

marie said...

You're so awesome. Thank you :)

Caroline said...

I have just stumbled across your blog, and need to read, read and read through it!! I have done the WW thing and still go to meetings.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for this post. I too struggle with the whole issue of having worked so hard to get back in shape and now have to contend with this tummy that just won't cooperate.

I hate how gyms and magazines seem to portray women who've had weight issues, pregnancies and so on, and they show them with rock hard abs as if they got these only through diet and exercise ... what a sham! It took a while for me to realize that they've obviously had abdominoplasty.

I have been investigating this procedure, and the only thing holding me back aside from the cost is the fear of not being able to get back to my running for a while, and running is the key to my health and happiness. I'm still debating.

marie said...

awww - thanks!
but you're seriously more awesome than I am!

And the cost does bother me about the procedure.
There are so many things I would rather do with 10 grand. I worry about putting a roof over my head. I worry about being unemployed again. I worry about bills.
Those worries are greater than my body insecurities.

They always win out.

Shirls said...

been there, done that (as you know)(http://shirls-spot.blogspot.com/2008/09/year-of-belly.html) I totally get it, I was fortunate enough to be able to have that 8lbs, yes I said 8lbs of apron cut off, thank god. This post brought me right back to there to that spot of being so frustrated with it, I tell you girl your on my *if I win the lotto list* I'd really love to be able to share how much I love that its gone. Of course over time there are other things that bug me about my body but honestly more often than not I can get my head to go back to, I did something amazing, my body supported me through it all and still does amazing things and I get through the icky thoughts.

marie said...

Shirls, I always look up to you for your decision.
I respect and admire you more than I think you know :)

Shirls said...

right back at you Mouse :0)

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