3/25/10

I know accountability includes a “u” and an “i”

With a title like that you’d think I’m here to confess to you right?

WRONG.

I don’t have much to confess to and I am just lacking in the creativity department today (mostly because I’m preoccupied).

But I’m realizing that so many of us rely on others to keep us on track, to watch what we’re eating, to see how much we’re losing and to pick us up when we fall.

Why can’t we find it within us?

I’m always going to have a problem with binge eating. Always have, always will. That is my issue and I will freely admit it to anyone that will listen. I can eat a large pizza, full size bag of chips or tub of ice cream by myself and in one sitting. And sadly, I could probably eat a combo of those things, too.

But do I need someone watching me like a hawk to prevent me from doing that? Do I need to come here to write out everything I eat every day in order to do that?  Should I install a nanny cam so that I keep my portions in check given that I live a sad little single life?

*eyes the Pinky & the Brain dolls behind the couch suspiciously*

Coming here and engaging in an honest way about my thoughts and feelings every now and again is helpful, yes, but finding the strength within myself, knowing that I have only myself to answer to and that it’s only me that I let down/hurt/hold back is really key.

We’re human and we’re not built to be perfect. We have odd bits and parts unique to each one of us, quirks and habits that are going to be different across the board, so why do we feel that we aren’t allowed to mess up, have to start again, stray off every now and again, deviate from a regimented path?

I GET how important it is to live a healthy life, but for our own sanity, you have to be able to be flexible, roll with the punches and give yourself breathing room. You have to be able to live life and not worry about what everyone else is doing and how we measure up.

I know I’m guilty of it TIME AND TIME AGAIN and this time I think what is REALLY helping me is that I just don’t give a crap how I stack up to any of you.

I really don’t.

I’m happy for you if you’re 5’6 and 130lbs. Truly, I am, but I will never be that girl.

Good for you if you can run a half marathon in 1:45. I will never be that girl.

I’m happy to be the girl who can just run (although I like to call it pathetic jog, and some days I’m not exactly thrilled to even run, but you know that and get what I mean). I’m happy that I’m nearing a healthy weight range again. I’m tickled to be fitting in clothes that have been sitting in darkened corners of my closet. I’m happy to have two comments or ten.

But it took me awhile to get to this place and that’s because I’ve realized I need to be accountable to me first. Me alone.

And then I share that with you.

I guess that makes us a team in the end, eh?

But keep an eye out for those stuffed animals. I don’t trust them. Something about taking over the world…

9 comments:

andrea. said...

Love this post! <3

marie said...

I <3 you!
Did I spy that you might be doing a race next weekend? I will be there...
Possible meet up? Hmmmm? Lemme know.

chocolateramblings said...

Agreed. I've used my blog, friends and BF to keep me accountable. Fine. I've also used WW, spark people, fitday and food journalling to keep me accoutable. Hey, whatever works!

In spite of those things working, I think being at peace with my relationship with food will only come when I can control myself without any tools. When I just KNOW that I really don't want to eat those cookies. Or vice versa, I KNOW that I really want some pizza and dammit I'm going to have some.

Jaime said...

You make me smile.

That is all.

Tricia said...

loved this!

H-woman said...

Where is the "like" button for me to push?

See ya Sunday!
H =)

Espressomama said...

"Like" Amen sister!

Sonya said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog. I had no idea that some people couldn't when I was using the other template. Thanks for the heads up!

anna said...

sorry for the late comment, i'm catching up on you...

anyway, i wanted to comment on "i will never be that girl" statement. i make this statement to myself all the time. i am 5'10" and weigh around 180 most of the time. i want to be that 5'10" 150 pound girl, of course. but i tell myself i will never be that girl. and i sometimes wonder if i will never be that girl because of my genes or my mind games. i have been struggling lately because i decided i want to at least be 170. i know i can be THAT girl. but the last time i was THAT girl i thought i might be able to be 160 and so...will i always want to be 10 pounds lighter. and will i always think i can't be THAT 150 GIRL??

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