12/14/09

“That’s because you’re comparing yourself to stick-like celebrities”

Um…come again?

Someone asked me what I did yesterday  morning. I relayed to them my typical Sunday rituals: Long run followed by feeding my couch some ass and a side of shopping. I also told them that I  had wanted to run 14km but didn’t make it that far. Sadly, my body couldn’t handle that despite me wanting to, and I cut it short. 10km is a good distance for a run, but I’m disappointed with myself and what I used to be able to accomplish with ease. Of course they thought I was crazy, and I guess I am.

But then I go and blame the extra 20lbs for giving up early on the run. You know, those 20lbs that I put on and I can’t take off (and I seem so obsessed with in every blog entry this past year). No one to blame but myself, of course. When my head is in the game, I can work them off, but it’s not there yet with the things flying at me from every angle and my inability to plan around them currently.

It’s all good. It will settle down eventually.

But when I say things like this, to people who are only acquaintances still, they think I have some celeb mag fascination with a perfect body.

Um…right.

I don’t know about all of you,  but I really don’t. I know that look is unattainable for me. I will never have the flat tummy or a bikini ready body. Yes, I  may have had dreams in high school where I’d go away from the summer and return a complete fox, but then I grew up, wised up, and realized that I can only have a healthy body weight and not the abs of those gracing the covers of shape and self or whatever they are (clearly I don’t read them). Honestly, I think that’s way better, too.

So what’s up with people thinking that the airbrushed abs are what I’m striving for? Yes, I get that I can be obsessive about my albatross that is the extra weight and that in the grand scheme of things, I should be thankful that I’ve only gained back that much and not the other 40lbs+ that used to cling to my bones, but the issue is that I’m comparing current self to my skinny self and it makes me entirely disappointed.

I was so focused for so long and I let a string of bad things get me way off track. Now that I’m on an upswing, I still can’t tell my head from my ass and the goal is slipping down the priority list day by day, as are the cookies past my lips.

I honestly just want to be the girl who can run without feeling winded again. The girl who fits in the clothes in her closet. The girl who felt healthy and happy every day. That’s it.

I write a magazine. I don’t need to be on the cover of one.

I just need to get back on that treadmill today and pick up the 4km that I missed yesterday.

10 comments:

Sarah said...

Great post!

I've had this image of my pre-preggo self for over 2 years and I still can't believe I'm not even close to that size yet. I always feel that I'm smaller...but I'm not there.

My closet will be happy when I get there though.

Hope you got your other 4K in, it will come. I know when I take time off from running my stamina is the putz, its takes a bit to get back but you'll get it back for sure!

Natalie said...

You really are the best marker for your own happy body image. You know what feels best for you and that's all that matters!

sunshine! said...

Mousie - sounds like your head is getting to be in the right place....you're human....we all are.....the important thing is YOU RAN 10KM...what on earth is wrong with that? I can't run 1......!

Hugs girl, keep movin'!

Angie All The Way said...

What you have is hard earned perspective, and what said "Ass Hat" has is none. People make assumptions that anyone who doesn't look like they have an excessive amount of weight to lose and who is wanting to or trying to lose weight, must have some sort of distortion of an unattainable goal. Each and every time someone comments to me about how I "look fine" now and should be "satisfied" just the way I am, I slam the ol, "I still weight a relatively unhealthy 180 something lbs," it usually knocks the look off their fair pretty quick! I hate how I feel like I have to justify it and I think it's because it would bother me if I thought someone thought my intentions were distorted and I was obsessed. It's a fine line, especially when you blog about it! Ok, I'm mumbling off here...

I'm with you, I just want to be healthy and happy and my goals are not unattainable and in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get a doctor's note for WW to accept my goal.

You are a runner and you're getting yourself back to where you were! You absolutely WILL!

marie said...

See, if the current number on my scale allowed me to fit in my clothes and got me through an easy run, I'd be fine.

It's just that I know it's not healthy for my height and my body isn't happy with it. It tells me that with every step I take.

Now if my brain and my mouth would start working together to achieve the goal, all would be right with the world.

Until then, I have to suffer fools :P

Tamara said...

I think they're projecting.

You've got your head on straight.

Shirls said...

can I pretend I just said all that? cause honestly there is nothing in there that I don't totally agree with.. amen sister!

Amanda Daybyday said...

I couldn't agree more (says the girl who's put on 25 pounds of the 90 she'd lost and can't quite get more than 5 pounds off without regaining it again). Oh how I miss my old jeans.

Laura said...

I hear you. I don't strive for something unrealistic but know that even though I have dropped 20lbs..there is still room to improve and I can't slack off.

JavaChick said...

Yep, me too. I am always comparing my weight now to what it used to be and it is so frustrating that I can't get back there - in fact, it seems to keep on getting further and further away. It's not fun.

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