11/26/09

Disguising the Truth

No, this isn’t an admission of fake scale pictures (despite my Photoshop prowess, I don’t think I could *actually* do that…), I’m talking about the ways in which I’ve tried to hide the extra weight that I’ve put on.

Only I see the sad little dance to fit into my pants every morning. Only I see the deep red marks they leave in my gut after a long day. Only I have to deal with the seams that reach their breaking point from being stretched too far and for too long. I even had a conversation with my adorable little dad the other day who was shocked to hear that I’m in the 160s. But then again, this is the man who didn’t believe me when I said I told him that I weighed more than him at one point…

Generally people just see me in lycra and hoodies. God bless lululemon and their stretchy pants for giving me the ability to go out most days, but it’s not right, I tells ya! The pants have a function, and it is NOT every day wear. I know this. But they’re the things that fit so that’s what I gravitate to. Sadly (or on the plus side, depends on what you think my ass looks like in these pants), yoga pants and hoodies aren’t exactly business casual, so I’ve had to dig out the cardigans to hide bulges and bits that don’t want to stay confined under what pants and shirts I have that “fit.”

But why do I have to do this? Why can’t I just suck it up, go buy the RIGHT size clothing for my current weight and be COMFORTABLE in them like I am in yoga pants?

I am stuck in a single digit size mindset.

I’m lucky that I kept a few pairs of pants that were a 10 just because I liked how loose and comfy they were, but now they’re definitely painted on. I know it’s not a pretty sight but I think that I’m just too scared to go shopping.

I mean, do I pick up a size 12 or will I be a 14? Do I have to find something with stretch to go over my thighs? Will the sales people sneer at me when I ask them to find me a bigger size because I’m so frickin clueless? Will I discover that I am actually back to a plus size? Will everyone hear me if I start sobbing uncontrollably?

It’s so sad that vanity has taken hold of me to the point where I am afraid to shop. I’m a woman for crying out loud! This is our sport! Our favourite pastime! I should be out there with conviction, direction and confidence, armed with a ridiculous amount of plastic to swipe and weighted down by bags o’plenty. Instead, I’m a deer caught in headlights, standing at the threshold nervously, debating whether or not to enter each store.

WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME?!

GAH!

But I have to remember that the "pain” of this is temporary. That I’m on my weigh way back down. Things may be tight for awhile, but I can’t deny the fact that I’m putting myself back on track and things will fit again.

I WILL be able to shop in my own closet again.

14 comments:

Tamara said...

I have two words for you hon. Value Village.

Get yourself some "right now" clothes that don't cost much. Comfort is NOT overrated. You don't need the constant reminder that "these used to be baggy on me" It makes an already tough situation harder.

(((hugs)))

Leanne said...

Ahem.. I had to go to Superstore before my trip out East to finally give in an buy clothes that friggin fit me.

I hear you.

But honestly.. you will feel so much better about yourself when you are fitting in your clothes. Really fitting in.

With no red marks on the gut.

Signed... currently sitting in size XL yoga pants.

Shirls said...

Amen Sista! I now for the first time in my life have an actual rubbermaid tote in my closet with clothes that refuse to fit, in it, in the hopes that one day I'll be back there.. its nuts. I looked at it this morning on my way out the door and thought WTF is wrong with me? accept and move on, I know that, you know that, but why I can't get there I don't know that...

"The" Merry said...

Hi Mouse! (Waves)
Personally, I think you look good in comfy clothes that let you move. And breathe. That breathing stuff is important.

Lainey said...

If you fit in 10s at all, then you'd probably be comfortable in 12's, not 14s. I agree with whoever said Value Village.

Angie All The Way said...

Oh man do I EVER know what you mean. I was choosing discomfort over possibly going to buy a "bigger" size again when I had a whole lotta pants hanging in my closet. I WISH I had of thought of Value Village! It's a perfect place to start because you're going going to be getting rid of them a few weeks.

I understand all of those fears you are feeling. A few more weeks and you'll be much more comfortable. I'm on "week 4" and I'm like THANK EFFING GAWD I can breathe!!!! ;-)

calialexandra said...

I suggest getting a pair of those elastic waist pants from reitmans. I have a pair in the dresspants style and they are so comf. And they fit when my button up pants do not.

SH said...

I have also been struggling after creeping up to 170 and am slowly bring this back down to the 150s (163 today - I'll take it). But during this time what has gotten me through are dresses! You might not be a dress person, but when you're feeling low, a dress and a pair of tights are very forgiving. And I don't feel badly buying a new dress, but I always hestitate buying new trousers because I tell myself I won't be this size for long! Buying trousers in certain sizes DOES feel like giving in. But on the other hand, you deserve pants that fit. (in my head argument ensues). But dresses (and skirts too to some extent)do not elicit any of those feelings. And there are many cute jersey dresses out there that feel like you're wearing pyjamas (or lulu l.) to work. Good luck!

marie said...

I get the value village suggestion, I do, but it's the shopping experience that truly gets me down. Whether it's cost-effective or not isn't the part that bothers me.

The dress idea is a good one, SH. I may just look into that.

But that brings on a shoe dilemma too. Sigh.

So much to buy...

Sadie said...

Think of how amazing you're going to feel in a month when you're back to your comfortable size and your clothes look hawter than you remember them ever looking.

December 31, baby. End this year with a bang.

Shrinking Sara said...

I was exactly the same. Especially at my old job - I just didn't care, I would wear the same black pants like everyday since they were the only things that fit.

But then I got the new job and wanted to look good for it, forced me to buy the size 14's. Was sad and hard but way worth it. But I stuck with Reitmans, Suzy Sheir, those types of stores. And I still don't feel worth full priced clothes!

Natalie said...

It's all about perspective. How I wish I could fit into a 12. LOL.... But I know if I had been an 8 or a 10 I sure wouldn't want to be in a 12. But you're on the right track and your owning up to it so things can only get better! The first step is admitting you have a problem. Lame-o! LOL...

sunshine! said...

Hang in there mousie....you can do this - give your head a shake and jump in...back into OP-mode....and go buy two pairs of pants that fit. They're your temp pants, but you'll feel better in the interim if you don't have to do this to yourself every day (spoken from a woman who did the very thing in early October....right before I met you ladies at the tower).

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

Oh how I hear you Marie! I am going through the exact same thing. I'm a pound away from being in the 150's and that scares the crap out of me. My pants are also getting pretty tight and I know probably inappropriate for me to be squeezing my butt and thighs into for school. I've been trying to count my points, but I just keep giving in and making horrible choices. I keep telling myself that I DID IT. I've been down this road and have been successful...so have you! We know it can be done, we know we can do it. We just gotta get it done. It's time for us to rewind and get back to where we were. Eating wisely, running frequently, and looking good. I know we can do it!!!

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