A lose-lose situation

Sometimes, your past comes back to haunt you.

In my world, it’s usually a guy that I have hung out with, dated, etc. that will come out of the woodwork, ask to see me and then disappear again. It happens more than I’d like to admit, really.

But in the last week, the only person that’s been coming out of the woodwork to haunt me is my former self.

See, it all started with the crazy chiro and our discussion about weight loss. When I said I just wanted to be back to where I was again, he said, “well, you don’t need to get that low again.”

I laughed at the time but wondered what the hell he meant. I never felt small, I never looked small in the mirror, what were people seeing?

So then I was facestalking someone who I had a crush on but rejected me (my own fault because I had treated him poorly in the past when he didn’t deserve it) and stumbled upon pics of me at his birthday a couple of years ago.

Ok. So maybe I was small.

Oddest thing was, I remember thinking that I was the fattest girl in the bar that night yet, sitting down and never moving, and constantly adjusting my clothes to make sure I was all covered up.

Yup. I was completely unaware of my warped body image.

So back to guys coming out of the woodwork. I reconnected with another guy who I had spent time with around the same time the picture that’s been bugging me was taken. He said I looked great, and although I was flattered, I told him that I unfortunately gained some weight. Why I said that, I have no clue. Probably insecurities, as always. But his answer: “well, you were really small then.”

Lord love a duck!

I can’t win! I want to be back in that range because things were easier. I could run faster, I was eating better,and was healthier overall.

But now instead of worrying about just getting back in a range NEAR there and I have to worry about people thinking I’m too small and unhealthy?

HOW exactly can I achieve both?!?!?!


Ash said...

You need to find a place where you're happy and feel great.

It's not about what other people think or if they think you're getting "too small" (unless you are actually unhealthy) AND you also need to rid yourself of the weight loss smokescreen. It's really hard to see ourselves objectively because we look at our bodies in the mirror every day so we can't see the changes or the weight dropping.

I think a "goal weight" should be more about a feeling than about a number. It's like an outfit, you need to know that it fits right and feels really good before you buy it. So once when you get to a place where you feel good (you're happy, running/activity is easier etc), that is where you should be!!

marie said...

That's the thing, Ash - I felt great but was never happy with how I looked. And now, apparently, everyone thought I was "too small."

I was smack in the middle of a healthy weight range. I couldn't spot reduce (nor can anyone), so I was REALLY small up top but still had a tummy.

I didn't have a smokescreen. I knew I had dropped weight but I wasn't like everyone around me. I have melted candle wax for a stomach while others look like they've never been big a day in their life.

Despite the number being great, I wasn't happy with myself. I think that's the problem.

Lainey said...

Sometimes, when people have seen you at your heaviest, they don't adjust to your getting smaller the way you'd expect. Thus, you could be at a normal, healthy weight, and have people telling you that you're "too small." All that really matters is that you're healthy and you like the way you look.

Jaime (Embracing Balance) said...

Honestly I think that's the hardest part...the seeing yourself properly part.

I constantly get told not to lose any more weight (even though I've been the same weight for three years) and it drives me insane. I'm healthy, I work hard...and I get more flack for being thin than I ever did for being heavier.

How is it that people know it's a social faux-pas to talk about someone's weight when they are heavy, but those same people have no problem discussing how skinny you are?


Lucas said...

All you need to achieve is a weight that makes YOU happy. To hell with everyone else. When YOU feel healthy, happy, confident, THAT'S where you need to be. Hug yourself tight Mouse. You are ok.

marie said...

I just don't get what the big deal is about being a healthy weight, why people even make comments and why they're making them NOW when I've gained weight?!

Chellie has Issues said...

Again I feel your pain. When I was at my lowest weight my hubs and friends told me I looked like I needed to put on 10 lbs. Well I gained that and a few more. I asked him...so is this what yu had in mind? I am no longer listening to them because I don't feel good at this weight. My pants don't look good at this weight, and I can feel the muffin when I run. I am going back to what I feel comfortable at and I think you should too!

eyesonthehourglass said...

dude, I can totally relate. I often say that I wish I could just get back to the way I was at my sister's wedding years ago. 155lbs.

I didn't think that was 'too skinny'. I felt great and healthy and people at the time said I looked great....but now when I say I want to be back to that weight (95 lbs away from that now...ugh...). I get comments like 'oh you were too skinny' you're clavicals popped out etc...etc...etc... I never thought I was 'too skinny'. I looked damn good! So I say $*#(@ them and have learned that .just as long as I'm happy and healthy I'll be the weight I want to be that makes me feel happy and people can just keep their mouths shut!!!

Leanne said...

I will never understand why people think that they are able to make comments about people's weights.

That being said. I was looking at pics the other day and my husband said... holy cow .. you were really skinny... see I also still thought I was the largest in a room.

I wonder why that is.

And now.. I really feel that way.

I feel your pain.

Sarah said...

I totally know your pain/confusion.

When I was at my lowest weight - I still felt fat - but I actually had people come up to me with serious concern and tell me I should NOT lose anymore weight because I was too thin... I thought they were crazy.

Now I've put on some weight and I look back at those pics and I'm shocked! How did I not see how small I was!?

Where is the happy medium?! How do you know when you're there? How do you STAY there? ... uggh. Let me know if you figure this out :)

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

I think you are going to have to find a place that makes you happy. I'm not a big one to focus on a number per se but perhaps a certain size of clothes or being able to run comfortably a certain distance. With that being said though you should make sure to stay within your healthy weight range and try not to go below it. I think that the lower weigh range of what I have seen has always been pretty low so if you go below it is probably to little. I know you just want to feel healthy so go with what you know and what makes you happy. Good luck!!

Crabby McSlacker said...

Wow, tough situation!

I think it's so cool you are being honest with yourself and really questioning how you see yourself. The fact that even when you were objectively very thin you remember feeling too big... that seems like useful information. Pleasing yourself sounds difficult at any weight, which is such a common issue for women!

No easy advice here, I'm afraid! Self acceptance is a hard journey.

Anonymous said...

This is a tough one for me, also. I have been up and down the scales for a good part of my life. On this most recent (and I hope the LAST) time, which started about a year ago, I thought about how I never previously felt like I had reached my "goal" when I was at a "thin" weight. I always wanted to be thinner. Like you, I'd later look at pics of myself, and think "sheesh, how could I not have recognized that was enough!" On this go round, I just wanted to get to a place and decide that is IT. So, I set as my weight goal the midpoint of my BMI range, and that became my goal. Doing that took my own crazy warped body image out of the equation -- I know there are criticisms of BMI, but I figured that it is a relatively objective standard, and if I'm at the midpoint, I'm pretty much by definition at a good and healthy point weightwise. The midpoint of the range is actually a weight that feels quite thin to me (and I could be heavier and still be in the normal range). Anyway, for some reason, it has helped me to have an objectively set weight goal. Of course, it's all so personal . . . GOOD LUCK!!! -- Anne

Born to Run said...

I think you can "win" by just focusing on where you want to be in terms of your body and your health. This is essentially what you're saying anyway, so I know I'm not telling you anything new. :-)

Loved "Lord love a duck," by the way!

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