things i was never able to do at 200lbs

Fit inside of the box that a dell server came in. Yeah...it's a slow day at the office. Too bad no one took a picture like the time I was hiding under my desk. Yeah, I know - I'm a jackass.

Back to Basics

I realized that this week and last I've pretty much gone back to the eating plan that I had used back at the start of 2006, the time I recommitted to Weight Watchers. Every day I'm dragging my butt to the gym in the morning (even today after a 10.9km run last night - yeah, my ass is sore), I'm making a point to add raw veggies as my snack around lunch or mid afternoon, and I'm filling up that water bottle like no tomorrow. But there are a few things missing from back then. I am neglecting my vitamins, I've taken out all of the processed meals and those evil 100 calorie snackiepoos. It's funny how easy it is to slip back into good habits once you get going but then how easily you can fall out of them out of sheer laziness. I admit, I've been planning my weeks on the fly and although I've had to swap out APs and dip into flex, I've still got 24 left for the week with only 3 and a half days left. That's pretty darn good for little to no planning, if I do say so myself. It's all about us adapting this here thing as a LIFESTYLE. Good choices really are easy and will come naturally, although they sometimes take a little brain and will power. I think that's where people fall off. Thinking, planning, preparing, calculating, etc. is hard. Maybe we should earn some APs for those bad boys....


in need of a fix...

Every day, my office seems to be a meeting point for the jokers in the office (the sales guys). They come in and bug me and Kris if he's around, usually barraging me with questions about our products and services (since I'm all knowing around here :D), sharing goofy stories or pointing out attractive people in the building across the street (yes, we watch you! :P). Today, our newer salesman Larry comes in to talk to me. We seem to have a little bit in common - he's been a personal trainer FOREVER and me, being all into fitness and stuff, we talk about the gym, running, etc. whenever we get a chance. His insight today makes me realize maybe my crazy chiropractor was right. He came in to talk about missing a day's workout and how your day can be really messed up as a result. Makes him hypersensitive if you will. He notices smokers more, feels people are moving too slowly and always in his way, the air doesn't feel as clean, etc. Today, I missed my workout and I was scowling all the way to work. Everyone was indeed moving slow and I feel like a bag of garbage (which will be remedied after work - I'm running with the RR). It's just funny that he brought it up TODAY when I didn't go work out and then it clicked - We aren't getting that high from our workouts so of course we aren't feeling that great. So, hi - I'm Marie and I'm addicted to working out. If there was an actual 12-step program for this, I think I'd fail miserably.


Today I am grateful for...

So I watched that show Big Medicine last night...and yeah, I wasn't impressed. Two ladies - both started at just over 300lbs and a morbidly obese man of about 700lbs and their journeys with gastric bypass and plastic surgery. They highlighted how happy one woman was to have great sex after surgery and the other was paraded around in a bikini after her tummy tuck, a year after her bypass. Then there was the dear gentleman who was too large to go to the hospital on his own and the ordeal he had to go through from his parents' home to the ambulance then to the hospital bed - made me sad. BUT... it was him emerging from the house and experiencing the sun for the first time in a long time that made me actually gasp. Something I sooooo take for granted but he never gets to experience in his bed ridden state. So today, I am grateful for the fact that I have always been able to enjoy the sunshine, the rain, the snow and the clouds. In good times and in bad, in "big" times and now(and again, my silly subjective big). Even in my self-imposed hermit stages of depression, I could still go out and enjoy nature on a whim. Never even thought about that... Who knew such a huge blob of bubbling gases could be so important? I think my pale ass is going to bask in its glow a little longer today.


best before....

sometimes I wonder if I have an expiration date in terms of blogging about weight watchers. As if I should just toss the whole thing out like the container of yogourt that's been sitting in my fridge for a few weeks that has probably started to grow things... In a month and a couple of weeks, I'll have maintained my goal weight for a year. It's getting to the point where people don't remember me being "big" anymore (I say it with quotations because MY big is subjective and I do not want to diminish anyone else's struggles or anyone who has more to lose than I did. MY big is MY perception.). And sometimes I feel like people think I'm a big ol' fraud about my weight loss. Don't take this as an "oh woe is me," just letting ya know. The last few weeks I've seen my scale be not so kind to me as I've been not so kind to my body. I run too much and then I eat too much - simple as that. I don't make excuses. Last week I was really good about my eating, even my mini binge and my scale is my friend again but I still have that lingering thought. To be honest and put it in numbers - I went up a total of 5 in the last month and I am now back down 2lbs. See, this comes back to me making the choice to do this program in some way, shape or form FOR LIFE to maintain my weight because I've proven that I will eat WHATEVER I want and running my ass off will not keep me exactly where I need to be. Does that mean I can continue to talk about it, look for support, give advice, bitch about random weight loss topics and food finds? Or does it look like a "skinny" chick whining? because sometimes, I wonder if that's how people see me (I'd be flattered by the skinny part - not so much the whiny thing though :P). Whether people choose to come and read -well, it's their choice. I've chosen to make this my lifestyle for life. Sadly, onliners don't make "lifetime" and I've surpassed that and then some. So I'm going to couple this here blog with my weight watchers online account. I'll keep blogging until I give that puppy up. A good catharsis sheds a few ounces too, right? Every little bit helps. and I think the shelf life on that is indefinite.


fighting the freebie

Today is hamburger day at Harvey's. They're giving out free hamburgers from 10:30a.m. until 3p.m. today. Not quite sure why. Maybe there's an anniversary or they're trying to boost sales (by a lost litre or two)...

I happen to live about 100 yards away from a ...er...well known (perhaps notorious) Harvey's here in TO. I was contemplating getting one today for a late lunch knowing I'd have the points for the 9 point burger since I ran and went to the gym this morning.

But the lineup that stretched out the door, around the building and up Jarvis Street at 11a.m. got me thinking...

11a.m....seriously people - what is wrong with you? I'm glad I wasn't around at 10:30a.m., actually. You'd think you'd never had something for free before! Then I wondered how many people are getting multiple burgers, just because they can or even IF they can. It made me think of the time when McDonald's used to sell their hamburgers and cheeseburgers for 50 or 60 cents and my brothers and I would get dozens of them and each eat 2 or 3, not that we needed to but they were cheap so we were gluttonous...I don't need that junk and neither do most of the people lining up.

So that thought sent me right home to make my own turkey burger and a big salad for lunch.

and it was a beautiful thing :)


the heat is on

Holy Hannah it's icky! It was 20 degrees when I got up this morning - that ain't right! Especially when they're getting snow in Calgary and it was like 3 degrees in Winnipeg. UGH! Weather like this makes me so sluggish and tired so I went right back to bed and didn't go to the gym, which is ok because I give myself 2 days off a week from running and exercise. But that means no wimping out tomorrow or Sunday. Both days I'll be back to hitting the pavement and running outside though. And I'll be testing out my running skirt too! I'm very excited. Another problem with this heat is increased desire for cold treats. Yesterday I had a yummy Starbucks Orange Mocha Frappuccino Light (2 points for a tall - tastes like one of those chocolate oranges). It's totally my new addiction for the summer. But I HATE drinking any of my points. I know that's weird, but it's just the way I am. I need to remember to carry around a water bottle with me more often. I'm really good about having one with me at the gym, on my desk at work and at home, but when I'm out and about I forget and it's really gonna kill me in this heat!


Guide me toward the right path....

So my downfall is alllllllllllllways processed crap - like last night there was an incident with a box of sweet and salty bars ...and perhaps there was a half a bag of shrimp chips too...but they were tossed in the end. I sat there watching TV, munching mindlessly and realized I was doing something INCREDIBLY STUPID and hauled the crap to the can. Yay for garbage day! A perfectly OP week ruined...well, it's not ruined SO MUCH, but I have 11 flex left for the week. Not worth it. So today we are reacquainting ourselves with Canada's food guide. That colourful li'l paper on my fridge that tells me I have to eat at least 2 servings of protein...you know what I'm talking about! But mine is out-of-date so off I go to print me a new one. Well don't they have all sorts of fancy things going on over on the Health Canada site where you now customize your own guide according to your gender and age and now include a food tracker called EaTracker. Everyone on the journaling bandwagon! So I gave the puppy a whirl - and it's nice and all, but falls short for someone like me and her penchant for all things processed. For instance, I could easily track today's standard oatmeal and yogourt but was at a loss for my turkey burger. I had all sorts of options for turkey, including processed meat varieties of it, but no burger. Now what if I'm eating leftovers from that Mexican Rice Casserole thingy later too? How do I track that sucker in there? No way to save foods, no way to add foods, no luck. Hmmph. I guess I've been spoiled by weight watchers and their lovely tracker. The guide has surely come a long way but this tracker thing may want to borrow a little from WW ;) I will give it kudos for assessing how I stack up in terms of meeting my daily requirements. Those assessments kick arse and perhaps WW should steal that...what? they're supposed to "guide" us all, right? couldn't hurt :D


le sob

my brother has left me for softball :'( As most of you know, I live with my younger brother John and today he's off for a week to Minneapolis. He'll be playing in a the North Star Classic, a softball tournament hosted by league that is sort of a brother or sister league to one that he plays to here in TO (and I used to play in once upon a time). A team came up a few years ago, he made some great friends and now he makes a yearly pilgrimage to go play ball with his pals. It's great...but then I'm without a little sidekick at home for a week :( boourns at least he has Mary to replace Marie there.... oooh - and I made that mexican brown rice casserole thingy last night. It was quite good, but the brown rice I bought recently does not seem right. Seems too much like white rice for my liking so it seemed too starchy. I'll have to make it again with another type of rice. But I would suggest anyone with access to the recipes try it out!


old habits die hard?

so they say it takes about 21 days to form a habit and I have just over a month until my half clinic starts. Since I've collected some, er, bad habits from breaking my good habits while doing my 10km clinic, today I was up and at 'em with the roosters at the ass crack of dawn to try and get back at the gym. I so did not miss getting up at 5:30a.m. the last few months but it wasn't that hard this morning. I hemmed and hawed for a bit but finally got going and got my rear end there and on a treadmill by 6:30a.m. Back to the silliness of treadmill competitions where people hide their speeds but try and keep up with you (but fail miserably) and others copy your weight routines but only do one set of eight reps (seriously, what benefit is that, I ask?). And all of the regulars are still there! wheee heee! and i feel grrrreat! hopefully I'll feel the same tomorow morning at 5:30a.m... 20 more days!


the one where mouse runs behind...

the girl who runs like Phoebe.

Remember how I mentioned my niece ran like that and how I loved how carefree and cute it was?

well this morning I ran behind a woman along Rosedale Valley Road who pretty much runs like Pheebs and it was funny for a minute...

but then it was really distracting because I felt bad for laughing to myself, I totally lost my pace and next thing I knew she was gone.

So Phoebe was right. "...you don’t care if people are staring. It’s just for a second ’cause then you’re gone!”

so cunning...



this template is a big pain in the rear end! everytime i go to add you guys to the side bar it does all sorts of wonky things so i had to temporarily start a links page on my server at work, which then became too much work that i stopped.... ugh. maybe i'll try again on the weekend. i'm too busy trying to redo my work site at the same time. i only have enough creativity for one site at a time...


celebrity watching

guess who's in my building today at work? hmmmm??? someone people may have compared some of my pics to.... that's right - a certain rock god with a famous tongue and a kickass business sense. He's in town promoting NGTV.com and is making a stop to a PR/investor relations company upstairs. A client of ours gave us the scoop last week but told us there was pretty much no way we'd get to meet him. I think I'll go try and do my work in the lobby now on wireless access... muahhahahhaah. :P


My cookies talk to me...and i talk to you

the weird things in my life right now...
  • a huge marble slab of First Canadian Place fell off yesterday afternoon and today they decide to close off a block of the financial district, the block where I work, making my life a little more difficult today.
  • last night I looked a little closer at my thinsations packages, only to realize they're giving me "healthy living tips". er...you're little cookies, not healthy so much. Nice try though.
  • My brother and I have formed a team called "Go Skirt" for the Pride and Remembrance Run. If you're in TO and want to run 5k (or walk) on June 23, register and join our team! ...but you have to wear a skirt! :P
  • I am sad that my 10k clinic ends tomorrow and my half marathon clinic doesn't start until June 28th. Is that weird?
  • I registered for the Toronto Marathon the other day...the half though. I am scared crapless.
  • If one more person asks me to join their win $7000 from edge 102 group on facebook, I may scream. Brilliant marketing tactic by a radio station that has gone downhill in the last 5 years. But if you're going to join one, join the sick kids one.
  • Kris, my coworker, is eating timbits for breakfast this morning and has brought me Pocky sticks several times in the last week which I have a weakness for. He remains the devil.
  • Yesterday was a friend's birthday who I used to be very close with but have had a falling out with in the past little while. I mailed her a card to wish her a happy birthday but didn't feel right doing anything else. I'm still stung by a lot of things she said the last time I saw her and I'm sure she is too, but I hope the card lets her know that I still care and think about her.
  • I think I want to try kickboxing this weekend. There's a women's class at a gym in TO that's supposedly free for the month of May and then $10 a class...wouldn't hurt to try out...or it could really hurt. If you ever want to know more about Women's Kickboxing, check out this site though.


what makes for good tv?

So I discovered this cute little show on TLC recently - Jon & Kate plus 8. It's a show about parents who have two sets of multiples; twins and sextuplets. It's really a cute show. But then this commercial comes on showing images of flabby bellies, large thighs, fat backs...everything we're familiar with from our journeys...and what is it promoting? A new show that is premiering on May 28th called Big Medicine - a show chronicling a father & son surgeon team who the news release for the show claim have " ...dedicated their professional lives to raising awareness about obesity." Yup, they perform gastric bypasses and tummy tucks, my friends and will show it all on TV!!! oh joy - oh bliss. I have mixed emotions on this. I have a feeling this show is going to make me MORE angry than X-Weighted does because I'm fairly certain some of them will be doing the bypass surgery without really applying themselves in other weight loss programs beforehand but then I am really interested to see the surgeries that a mother and daughter team will have to remove the loose skin from their bodies after losing a combined 225lbs! How they've lost it is not mentioned in the release. Either way, I just find it sad that there are a growing number of shows about obesity on TLC now. They have another show that goes inside an obesity clinic. Awareness is good, yes, but now we're showing a quick fix way to lose weight instead of chronicling people who struggle through a program and see real results on their own. But I guess that doesn't make for good tv, eh?


lose weight, gain confidence but....

how do you grow self-esteem? Increase positive self-image? It's funny how we talk about how much more confident we are as the pounds fall off (which I whole-heartedly agree with), but it hasn't really helped me with my outlook on me. I find I am more confident in the way I walk, the way I dress, but I still don't find I feel so great about myself or can see what others see. Yesterday, someone on the boards mentioned something about not being able to take a compliment, something I struggle with all of the time. When I was out running yesterday morning, we somehow got on the topic of plastic surgery and loose skin. I mentioned my scary belly because one of the ladies knows how I'm on weight watchers and how much I've lost. The other lady really didn't have a clue about my past so she was full of compliments about my running, my fitness level, my body shape, etc. I just tittered uncomfortably. ...yes, i typed tittered. I have no problem talking about how much I've lost and how far I've come, I'm FIERCELY PROUD of that. I'm confident to talk about health and weight related issues and try and give people direction, but once they start throwing back anything beyond congratulations and job well done, I seriously want to run and hide. I have come a long way from the girl who used to have to psyche herself up just to talk to people on the street to write an article in university to having little trouble making a presentation in front of prospective clients, but I still walk down the street thinking either people are criticizing me because I shouldn't be wearing that tank top or showing so much skin or I'm still that overweight girl who was invisible to everyone, hiding behind protective layers of clothes and blending into the background (unless I was in the way). Don't get me wrong, I learn to love my body more every day, but there are days where you compare yourself to others and it squashes that warm and fuzzy feeling you were building. That's why I don't quite GET when people tell me I look good, because I'm always thinking about that flap of skin underneath my belly button (I've accepted my big thighs and loose skin on my arms). I am a clothed, confident person, yes. I think compliments though make me feel naked...which makes me think of the ..uh...not so nice parts of me. GAH! I don't know where I was going with this anymore, but I'm sure some of you have similar outlooks...


it's official

i signed up for the half clinic. no softball for me :( here's to a summer of smog filled running and migraines. relpax is my best friend.


yesterday's lesson learned

never have milk products before an 8km run when you have a lactose intolerance. makes the distance THAT much longer and much more unbearable. that is all for today. and i'm surprised more of you didn't pipe up on the tracker wish list and give me REAL examples. That was actually going to WW. hmmph :(


WW wish list...

Have you ever gone to track something and realized it's not there? Now is your chance to let it all out. What items are missing, especially Canadian items, from the online food database that you wish were there? When I was asked, all I could think of was:
  • East Side Mario's
  • Becel Margarine
  • Lick's Burgers
  • Red River Cereal
  • Some Crazy Plate items
  • Vachon cakes (jos. louis, hop&go bars, etc.)
  • knorr soups
what else am I (and the tracker) missing?


time to let go?

Do you have an item of "big" clothes that you just can't let go of? I'm wearing mine today. It's an XL Abercrombie hooded sweater that i lurve and adore. I bought it when I went to Raleigh, NC about -10lbs into WW in October of 2005 (when AF still hadn't made their Northern appearance and having their stuff here was still ooohed and aaaahed over). Fitting in this sweater was kind of a big deal to me. Actually, I didn't really fit in the sweater then and I kind of sort of broke the zipper on the sweater on the flight back because it didn't fit. But my handy sewing skills (thanks mom!!) came to the rescue and I fixed 'er right back up! Now this hoodie is quite spacious but I refuse to give it up. Granted, AF sizing is sort of vanity sized and this could be seen as a M-L, not an XL but it's still far too big for me. I just don't know why I can't let go... Any of you like this?


And I'll keep on running this neverending race

Yup. I've totally found a passion in life. The girl who couldn't run to the end of the block can officially run a 10k race - without 10:1s either - BOOOYAH! My little jog down Yonge St. was A-FREAKIN-MAZING. I ran slow as ass but I wasn't tired, I wasn't out of breath, I didn't feel that bad (although my left shoulder cramped up when I was forced to stop and start again after 8km when an ambulance faked an emergency to cut through the race traffic). All of my training has finally paid off. I have finally realized that I am fit enough to run for real and be somewhat competitive. Well, good enough to come just under half way through the pack of 8000. Gun time says 58:52 - Chip time says 54:01 (that's right -took us more than 4 minutes JUST to GET to the starting line. John took a pic of the crowd ahead of us. That yellow banner in the distance is the start...I'll spare you what was behind us - just as bad). But I'm happy that I reached my goal. I just wanted to get in under 1 hour and I totally did. I'm soooooooo happy!!!! If I had started a little further up I would have done even better! It was a great time. An even better time was had by my younger brother who ran with my camera for a laugh. His pics are a hoot including this lovely shot of him with a police officer (who is mighty fine). He took a self pic after every kilometre. The kid is a joker. My goal for next year is get a little quicker and to be able to run with him. I want to be in more silly pictures!! Everyone in my clinic did so well - around 40 mins to an hour and a bit. I'm so thankful that I had the guts to do the course on my own and I'm so proud of them - and I'm glad Jeep came out to join us too. I am DEFINITELY signing up for the half clinic and registering for the Scotia half or Toronto half in the fall now. Although John thinks we're crazy...yeah, who am I kidding, we are. But I'm hooked. Don't drink the kool-aid. You'll get hooked too.


it's all downhill from here...

Tomorrow is the big day - the sporting life 10k!! So today I went up to Yonge and Eligible to pick my race packet and then decided to walk all the way home - which is about more than half of the route. It's a nice route, straight down Yonge St. (with a small detour downtown). What's nice is that most of it is downhill but there are a few inclines as well. I just hope that it's as beautiful tomorrow (as it promises to be) as it was today because that walk in the sunshine made me pretty damn happy. I can only imagine what it's going to be like to finish a run, my first 10k race, in the same conditions. And after that it's on to training for the half in September. I think I've gone mad... And a big thanks to Sara for her post. You're a sweetie!


Am I overreacting....

I get super, duper annoyed when people use my stuff without asking...especially when it comes to food. My brother and I have a good give & take relationship with little things like cheese or margarine where if one takes some, the other will get next and it's a bit of community property. Our roomie has gotten a little in on the game too now (guess that's what happens when you live with two siblings and feel left out...) and we seem to have a plethora of lactose-free milk kicking around in our fridge. And since I found lactose-free chocolate milk...hummina. But sometimes, there's a take that irks me. ...and here is where Jeep will pipe up that a lot of things irk me...I know, I know...I'm working on it. But when I come home to find parts of meals I cooked for the week have gone missing, I get a little miffed. Then last night I come home from my running clinic to find someone has their laptop hooked up to my tv in the living room because their screen was broken (which he must have been doing all week and I had wondered what was going on because stuff I had left on the coffee table a few nights during the week kept getting tidied up and moved around when we barely use our living room. I just thought he was watching tv during the day when he was home yet he doesn't pay for cable...). This made me go through the roof though. If I have a broken item, I go and fix it, replace it, whatever. I don't go and hook myself into someone else's property without them asking, or sneak around while they're not home and do it. I'd like to be asked BEFOREHAND if it's alright to use my things, not to stumble upon you as you're unhooking your computer or find dishes in the sink with my leftovers in them. Is that wrong or am I being a bitch? I usually am....


big boned or thick skulled?

I remember when I hit goal last summer, people were telling me that I couldn't afford to lose anymore weight because I would look emaciated (I ADORE that word, by the way). I specifically have a few family members on either side that told me my genetics won't allow me to lose any more weight because I'm "big boned" and I can't really go any lower because I'll look sickly, gaunt and all sorts of other flattering terms. But on the flip side, I've had others who don't know me as well who meet me today and tell me that I am more "fine boned." Colour me confused. Now, this term "big boned" comes up A LOT when people ask for help in searching out the right goal weight to choose. I, for the life of me, do not understand this term. People told me this ALL OF THE TIME when I was younger, had issues with my weight and I ...for lack of a better phrase...ate it up. But now I look at myself, and I don't see it. If we were to take the old standard of using your index finger and your thumb and going around your wrist to measure....Well, when I was over-weight, I could not do this. Now, I can fit my entire hand, completely closed around my wrist. Does this mean my bones are shrinking? I somehow doubt that. I think people are just full of crap. I think this is when I would go to good ol' Urban Dictionary for the definition of big boned versus everyone else's or try using medical help and fancy pants scales for the composition of my body and my exact bone density. Personally, I think "big boned" is a big load of hooey. And if I am, it's all concentrated in one spot...right in my noggin. In my opinion, think of your goal weight like an article of clothing. It needs to fall on your body right, just like a shirt or a dress does. Just like we don't choose ill-fitting clothes, we shouldn't choose a weight that doesn't fit us, flatter us or bring us any harm. That's why we have healthy ranges created based on ages & heights because extremes of highs and lows bring health risks that you need to consider and get assistance from a doctor if you're unsure. But if you are big boned, my boney butt apologizes :)


Today I need...

a life. I am dull, dull, dull. It's spring time! This is the time I'm usually busy... But all I'm doing is work, run, sleep. Where's my softball(seriously, this is bugging me. no word about any team yet.)? Where are my social activities? Where's my fun? Where did my life go? *sob* On a positive note though, my stressful two days have made me stay perfectly OP. No deviating or anything. No flex needed either. I was quite impressed with myself and with my scale today too. :)


9 months later...

It's been just over 9 months since I reached goal. I JUST realized this when I was commenting back on some comments you guys left yesterday (Yowza on your comments by the way...that's is why i love you guys). Since reaching goal, I've lost an additional 10lbs, and at times, gone up a bit too...but never gone above my goal weight. But at the same time, I've spent about $200 to continue on weight watchers online. Yup. I continue to dish out the cash to be on the program that meeting members who reach goal and then lifetime can enjoy for free (without the fancy online tools, of course). Why? I like the program. I like the recipes. I like the tools. I like the boards. I like the calculator. I like being accountable to something. And this whole success thing...people keep asking me what I was getting out of it for free. To be honest, it would be nice to get something, but in the end, who cares?! I got an experience which is really invaluable and I'll cherish forever and what's most important is that I have my health and I'm happy. I'll continue to keep paying for it until it doesn't make sense to me anymore. Right now, it still makes sense because I still have problems with my eating patterns. And even if I someday choose to end my account, then I'll still follow the program because I have the tools to do it on my own. But where am I going with all of this... not sure. It's just a little comparison to the costs of success stories and notarized papers and just following this program for healthy living. I'm willing to pay whatever it takes to keep me healthy. My gym, my running courses, my weight watchers membership, my food...it all adds up. That little piece of paper is nothing in the grand scheme of it all. But it gave birth to a whole new me :)
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